The call of the forest
The call of the forest
On relinquishing conditioning and returning home to self
Back in 2020, I found my life as I knew it in a state of dissolution; and, from this space of darkness, I looked out on a world doing somewhat of the same: A world in turmoil with countless fires (those literal, and figurative) burning across the world.
As for my own self - my life as a scientist & engineer had not unfolded in any form that I had envisioned. There was little light and no fulfillment: only a constant push to make things happen in a way that left me crippled with anxiety and feeling empty.
Empty. But still, I pushed forward - this being the only thing that I knew to do! Pushing forward. Always, forward - into a future where (if only I tried hard enough!) things would be different.
In this space, the forests would call. But I could not listen.
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I left my home forests in the mountains of Northern New Mexico when I was 18 years old. I set out on a path that had been imprinted within me: one that pushed me forward filled with ideas of what it means to be an adult contributing to modern ideas of progress.
I had been well wired to flourish in this environment. My thirst for knowledge combined with my ability to analyze and compute allowed me to excel in the academic world of science & engineering.
But then something important happened. I began to question… How do I take what I know and apply it in the world such that I truly contribute to beneficial transformation? I knew a hell of a lot about the pathways and mechanisms underlying the functionality of our human selves, and I knew plenty of models and equations that spoke of promise to make use of this information! Still, with every passing day I spent time in the space - a space of questioning how it all leads to real, beneficial change - I could not get past the knowing that something here was deeply wrong.
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Alone in an apartment in a city I didn’t want to be in, I spent the majority of 2020 doing something I’d never known to do before: I watched. And I listened.
Sitting in quiet, I paid close attention: What is happening out there?
Sitting in quiet, I paid close attention: What is happening, right here?
As month after month unfolded - one dark aspect of reality unfolding after the next - it finally hit home. All those days chasing after the life I’d wanted most; all that time forcing my way forward to accomplish what I thought mattered most… it was all just contributing to this grand mess!
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It was easy to allow it all to change the foundational essence of my entire being. Easy, as in - I had no choice: No ounce of self left over to continue pushing onward towards the things I’d been taught mattered most.
On second thought, that statement is bullshit. The truth is that I continued to fight with every ounce of my old self left over… fighting... fighting my way “forward” in the direction I had believed I needed to go.
And the fires continued burning….
By the time I finally returned home to my beloved forests in Northern New Mexico, I arrived humbled; shattered; and finally broken open enough to allow it all in.
To listen.
To see.
To get to know.
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To get to know… But what!!! What is there to truly know? If the point was not what the world had taught me, then what questions were left to ask? Who was there to ask?
The forest answered.
